Man down but he's ok now. We'll sort of.

 September 2016

Errrm, melt down again.
I thought that 2014's mental breakdown was well and truly sorted. Until one day in September a certain noise made me jump and by God  did I not like that. Hyper alertness was back which was a concern so I decided to ease back on my training and wait for whatever was lurking to fade away. Day by day things gradually got worse, pounding heart, hyper alertness, no sleep, lack of appetite, everything becoming catastrophic, anxiety and sickness. Three weeks later I was forced to take off work once again. I had around six days off sick in thirty years before 2014 and now I was clocking up weeks at a time. PTSD ? Gulf war syndrome? God knows what I have but as time goes by I am learning how to live with it and making the most of my good days. Back on the medication once again , which is another nightmare all of its own. Luckily I managed to get back to work after two weeks as I had learnt how to get some sort of control over it and also  I recognised the symptoms so it wasn't as bad as before when I wondered what the hell was happening and when would the decline stop.
  I don't know why but running and strenuous exercise make things worse, if I put too much effort in then I can sense a weird sensation with hyper alertness. If I stop all training immediately I know that in three weeks time I will be back to normal, ignore those first symptoms and huge problems are just waiting around the corner.
  So for the time being I am doing some easy keep fit sessions at the gym, a couple of run walk jogs with my wife each week and the odd parkrun 5k at my wife's pace. In truth the running became an addiction like I quote at the top of my blog, forever chasing ways to go faster and faster. The enjoyment had long gone as it was replaced by the addiction to go faster and the need to win. Life in the whole is far better now so I can't ever see myself returning in a competitive way but I will be out there enjoying my running without a care in the world a couple of times a week.
   As the patient  with  schizophrenia said to be he Doctor " we are ok now  "